What You’re Worth – Paycheck Edition

Oh man, here’s some bullshit …

“Commensurate with experience.”

Do you know how many job listings I’ve seen with that phrase used in them? “Pay will be commensurate with experience.”

Now, what that’s supposed to mean is, if you’ve done most of the shit we listed above in this ridiculous job listing before, and you’ve done a whole lot of it, you gon’ get paid.

Fuck outta here with that garbage.

Do you know how many jobs I have had where I actually got paid an amount based on the experience and skills I brought to the position from every other godforsaken job I’d had?

Zero. Zilch. Not one single fucking job, ever.


“Oh, but maybe you’re not actually worth what you think you should get paid. I mean, that’s possible, right?”

No. It’s not. Fuck you. In fact, like most people working a job at the moment, I have a tendency to UNDERestimate what I should be getting paid for a certain position by a certain organization.

How do you find that out? You perform one of the most depressing Google searches in the history of humankind.

“Average [job title] salary in [city].”

Hooooo boy – you better have a cheap bottle of liquor and a pack of cigarettes sitting on the desk next to you when you start paging through the results of that fuckin’ search.


Here’s why: when you get those search results, you see numbers that you aren’t getting paid. But then you think, “hey, where did these assholes come up with these numbers anyway?”


Now, what does that mean? Well, it means that somewhere out there, not far from where you are probably sitting right now, someone read a job listing that said “pay commensurate with experience,” and they applied for it, and they got it, and then they GOT PAID AN AMOUNT OF MONEY COMMENSURATE WITH ALL THE BULLSHIT THEY HAD ALREADY DONE AND ALL THE CRAP THEY HAD TO LEARN TO DO IT.

And you? You also read a job posting that said¬†“pay commensurate with experience,” but that job listing (and the moron who wrote it) was full of shit, and now you have that job that you needed all that experience for, but you get paid a biweekly bag of dicks.


As an added bonus, you probably have ideas or thoughts or feedback or even just a pulse, and none of that is taken into account or listened to or appreciated in any way.

This is what is referred to as “adding insult to injury.”

“Hey, Jerry, thanks for taking on all these menial tasks and bullshit duties in addition to your regular job stamping out widget labels for twelve hours a day. Your input is very valuable to us, just please don’t ever express an idea or opinion ever again because it’s pointless. Also, here’s your $7 and a meatball sub, which will now be your standard, biweekly salary.”


I genuinely don’t know where some of these fucking employers come up with these bullshit numbers, man. They all live in the same town you live in, right? So they know how much fucking money it costs, right? And yet they think it’s totally cool to ask you, one of the only assholes who actually does any actual work (not just attending meetings and eating catered meals paid for out of some magic executive budget fund), to live and commute and eat food and have a life on the equivalent of $11 in pennies and an old container of French’s mustard?

And just what in the happy fuck do all of those executive positions consider as “experience” when they’re hiring these six-figure muthafuckers?

“Have you attended 92 hours of meetings weekly, on a regular basis, and resisted the overwhelming urge to light your office on fire just before taking your own life?? Then you may be the perfect candidate for this new position with Fuckwit LLC! Pay will be commensurate with your experience staying awake through atrocious Powerpoint presentations and then acting like you have something to contribute while pawning off all of the actual work (which you damn sure don’t know how to do) on some underpaid cock knocker who will be hunched and broken under crippling student loan and credit card debt for the rest of their lives.”


But it’s all good, because maybe if you “go above and beyond” and “demonstrate value” and “really work to make yourself invaluable” you can get a 2.1% raise each year and still wind up living in the back of a an old chemical warehouse while eating ramen for a decade and slowly turning your intestines into jerky.

Fuck outta here with that bullshit, too.


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